Here comes the sun: Lost in my dissordered world

Pro ana, the name might not say much, but for two years now I've been filling my head with crap like that. Ruining my body, my mind and my spirit.

I want to feel good, not just think about getting thinner every day, and ending up eating waay to much beacause I think about it all the time.

My body isn' t in balance, and i feel tired all the time, I'm going to call the doctors office today if I remember, to get the results of my latest blood tests, and maybe get a new consult.

I think i should.

Even though I refuse to go talk to stupid assholes aka. psycologists, I need something to go from this, to something better.

I first saw a psycologist back in the ninth grade after hiding self injury for a year or so.

My mom was devestated, but shipped me off to everyone else cause she couldn' t handle it.

Though therapy is supposed to be good for you, I feel it drained me even more, and with the amount of blood I was draining myself, I just became worse. Loosing all glimps of light, becomming this dark creature.

But after I quit things got easier, and after being that creature for a long time, being admitted, I started getting better, but now it feels like I'm kind of relapsing.

I'm so damn tired all the time, I don' t sleep well, I don' t eat right, and it feels like I only need one more tiny trigger and then I'm over the edge.

I have this prescription in my pocket, it' s been there for 4 months, I never picked it up, I decided to stop, to become a member of the living. But now I feel like I can' t stay.

It' s weird how even though I don' t do pills, or cut anymore, it' s so hard to get rid of the things, like the prescription, and blades and shit.

But it' s the only way to wean of it.

I don' t really know how to get my spirit back, but I'm trying, getting closer to a healthy body and mind every day